Born to be a Dancer

Monday, February 07, 2005

Mega rant !

Where the hell to start? I think this post may include quite a few random swear words, so beware.

So this weekend, well it was more like half of this weekend, i went home. Got back about 7 saturday night and went straight out. Brothers birthdays are all good, it wasnt particarly his party, but his good friend was 30 the same night so they kind of had a joint party. Nearly everyone bought me a drink, mainly it was "Thats James Browns sister, god doesnt she look different - lets buy her a drink" So that was quite good. But then we started talking about my Dad which was not a good idea. Trying not to cry around 50 people when you're half cut is so so so hard. My brother took it upon himself to inform me that my Dad is going to have a scan next week to see if the cancer has cleared up. Being my brothers wedding on the 16th April, and i'm bridesmaid and my other brother is playing the guitar its something my dad is really passionate about. So he wants to feel good on the day. He's been told by the hospital that during this particular week his bloodstream will be heavily drugged meaning that he has no energy what so ever.

Thats when the re-scan came into question. Theyre going to do it, and basically if the cancer hasnt cleared up my dads going to rethink treatment altogether because its just making him that ill. And if it is working he's going to see if he can afford to stop it for how-ever long to allow him to be on topform for the wedding. But that could mean it could just get worse again meaning that the last few months was a waste of time.

Trying to get your head around this is so hard at the best of times. But then and there didnt really seem the place. My Dad told me this morning, not knowing im already aware and it put things into perspective abit.

What the fuck am i doing at university?? I should be at home, helping. I feel so selfish! Being on a train for 2 hours this afternoon didnt really help, as it was alone thinking time. And alone thinking time often makes me upset, meaning that i had to try so hard not to cry in the middle of a packed train.

But last night was amazing. And i've just started to think, who gives a fuck if my flatmates are pissed off with me anyway. They'd have done the same !! The Futureheads were so so so good, i'd pay serious money to see them again. As were the Kaiser Chiefs. The Killers were obviously going to be good as the main act. But for me it was definately the Futureheads. They make me happy like no other band before. They make me sing even when i feel like shit. They make me want to dance like a fool - but i dont. I will !! :)

Hollyoaks is on now. I'm going to go and face the dredded kitchen with eyeliner down my face from sulking to Andy. My mind is a little clearer. The fact that almost nobody reads this helps. I can say things i would definately not say on my other journal.

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